A/N: This is simply a humorous if not cheesy, pointless, ficlet that I posted to the Viking House of Worship thread, using the random words from the word generator, "Beauty" & "Smiling". It means nothing, but I hope it makes you laugh.
ZITS!
When I opened my front door and saw the package sitting on the porch, I knew it had arrived!
“It will change your life,” the woman on the television infomercial had said, as she rubbed the blue tinted facial cream on a volunteer from the audience, an older lady who wanted to prevent her crow’s feet from spreading. Though looking at her…I think that would take more than miracle cream.
If it didn’t do exactly what it said it would, I would get my money back. But you know what? I hoped I could kiss that money goodbye. Because right now, all I wanted in life, was to rid myself of the hugest forehead zit I had ever been inflicted with.
We’re talking epic acne—the kind that drops in unannounced with its luggage, and a cat in a Porto-pet carrier, and proceeds to charge through your front door, always overstaying its welcome.
Well, I was kicking this unwanted visitor out right now!
“Just rub it on any blemish or wrinkle, and we guarantee your face will never have looked so good!”
Well here goes nothing. I darted back inside the house, raced upstairs to my bathroom, and prepared to banish my zit back to one of the nine circles of hell from which it came.
Ten minutes, she said, just ten minutes, and the world would be right again.
I ripped the FedEx box open, pulled out the cream, and unscrewed the lid. I took one last look in the bathroom mirror, and said goodbye to the monster that kept me from leaving my house all week.
“Hasta la vista, baby!” Hey, the Terminator trilogy was on Sci-Fi all week, okay?
As soon as I slathered the cream on my unwanted visitor, it began to tingle. Almost as if the blue cream contained some sort of magic. I hoped it would at least be magical enough to serve its intended purpose.
I sat on the toilet seat lid, occupying myself with a magazine, and waited.
And waited.
And waited some more.
“Thump, thump, thump.” There were three loud knocks on the door.
“Shit!” Well isn’t that just the luck?
I ran back downstairs, and looked through the peephole. Peering back at me was one far too cheerful looking, Viking vampire. The sun had been down all of ten minutes, and he was already here? I hadn’t seen him in I don’t know how many weeks, and he comes here, now?
Wait, Ten minutes?
Maybe his visit had been timed right after all.
“Uh, just a sec!” I shouted through the door as I ran back upstairs to wipe the blue gunk off of my face.
“IT WORKED!” I exclaimed, smiling bigger than I could recall smiling in ages, after I drug the wet washcloth over my face, and looked into the mirror. “WOO HOO!”
I couldn’t believe it. That woman is a freaking miracle worker! I was in such shock; I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face. I was more than ready to see Eric now.
I ran back down and opened the door.
“Hey stranger,” I said in my sexiest, calmest, non giddy schoolgirl voice.
He eyed my forehead. “My lover,” he said. “You seem to have a friend on your forehead.”
Bewildered, I lifted my hand to the spot where I had just removed the cream.
“But, it’s gone, I got rid of it.” I said, still wondering what Eric was talking about.
“The other side.”
And there it was…ANOTHER DAMN ZIT!
“Son-of-a-bitch!!” I yelled.
Do not worry my lover,” he said laughing, as he took me in his arms and kissed my brow with the force of a feather. “Your zits may drive you mad, but your beauty is unwavering. And besides, it is certainly not the end of the world.”
Easy for him to say—vampires don’t break out! |
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