When Life Imitates Television - Tweetstream Transcript

Sookie - @SookieBonTemps
Eric - @EricNorthman
Stephen Moyer - @VampireBill
Anna Paquin - @JessicaHamby
Alex Skarsgard - @SheiroQ
Alan Ball - @VictorMadden

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SOOKIEBONTEMPS *CURTAIN RISES*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS In his car. He’s takin me somewhere, supposed to be a surprise.

ISILWATH *bows then gets the hell outta the way* :D

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Are we there yet?

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Not far now, not far.

ERIC NORTHMAN She’s so amusing when she’s annoyed. And she smells good tonight. *grins and inhales her scent*
ERIC NORTHMAN Raptures. . . . . {{{lust}}} No. No. There will be plenty of time later. Right now it’s time to take care of business.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Are you SMELLING me?!

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Irritatin and weird. *looks annoyed* But kinda hot.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *puppy dog eyes*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Annoyed.

ERIC NORTHMAN *fangs run out*

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Why wouldn’t I smell you? Your scent is delicious.

ERIC NORTHMAN She has NO idea. . .

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Sexy. But not gonna let him off that easy.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman I shouldn’t smell. I showered when I got off work.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *grins* Your natural scent is the headiest perfume.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Oh, please. Stupid vampire and his stupid heightened sense of smell.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS I sound like that Bella Swan.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Whatever. Are we there yet?

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Almost.

ERIC NORTHMAN I can see the lights.

ERIC NORTHMAN If I didn’t already have a plan for tonight. . . *grins wickedly and glances at the gear shift*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS He better not be thinkin of havin sex in the car again. Sounds good in theory, didn’t work out great in real life.

ERIC NORTHMAN Pulling over on a side road and parking.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *opens the door and winks* Not to worry, lover. I’m not going to try to fuck you in the car.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Well, that’s good coz the last time the gear shift almost got stuck up my butt, and I’m not into that kinky stuff.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS At least not yet.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *opens your door* Of course not, lover.

ERIC NORTHMAN Watching her get out of the car. {{{lust}}}

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *pins you against the car and kisses you*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Mmmph.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps The hood of the car, however… That’s got plenty of room on it. *waggles eyebrows*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman You hold your horses there, fella. Where are we and why are we parked near this old bayou?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS *puttin' a hand on his chest to stop him* Not that it could, but he’ll stop if he respects me.

ERIC NORTHMAN I can postpone a little sex now for lots of sex later. . .

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps You’ll find out in a moment. Come, lover. *lifting you onto my back*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS This vamp is gonna pay later.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS He’s runnin through the trees with me on his back. Kinda fun, but I got a bad feelin about this.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Looks like a film set. People everywhere. . . Oh my stars, that guy has a True Blood cap!

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman No! Eric, we promised! *shocked*

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *innocent* What was that, lover?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman You know damn well what I’m talkin about.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman We promised not to do anything to mess up this TV show. You told that author lady you’d stay out of it.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Who? The Ghostwriter? I only promised not to interfere.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps I didn’t say I wouldn’t drop in to see what they were doing. I hear they’ve hired some Swedish actor to play me.

ERIC NORTHMAN I have every right to see who will be bearing my name on cable television.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Idiot vampire and his damn ego!

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman I don’t care who they hired! We shouldn’t be here! What if someone sees us?

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps No one will see us, and I will glamor anyone who does. *picks you up again*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS I wonder if I scream loud enough and cause a scene, if he’ll get us outta here.0 minutes

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman You’re being bad and you know it.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *grins and pats your bottom* And your point would be?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman You’re gonna get us in trouble.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps I will do no such thing.

ERIC NORTHMAN Not like they could do anything to me anyway.

ERIC NORTHMAN Trying to pick up the scent of a European. I want to see who’s playing me.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS He’s sniffin for something. This can’t be good

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Put me down, you stupid vampire!

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *growls* In a minute, woman.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS *shivers* Love when his voice gets like that.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Shouldn’t be thinkin about pillagin a Viking when he’s crashin onto a film set and huntin down the cast.

ERIC NORTHMAN Feeling some lust from her across the bond. . . *hands wander*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS He’s hopeless. *shakes head*

ERIC NORTHMAN I smell someone… and it’s mixed with sex. *grins* He must be getting into character already.

ERIC NORTHMAN Stopping outside the door of a trailer and listening. Don’t want to interrupt if they’re in the middle of it.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS I don’t know what he thinks he’s doing. We can’t just go bargin into somebody’s trailer!

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman You can’t be thinkin of goin in there!

ERIC NORTHMAN I am, and I will.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman You stop this right now!

ERIC NORTHMAN *yanks open the door*

JESSICA HAMBY Um. . . .

VAMPIRE BILL WHAT THE FUCK!

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Too late. . .

SOOKIEBONTEMPS The woman looks familiar. Wait, is that who they got to play me?

VAMPIRE BILL @EricNorthman @SookieBonTemps WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? *pulling on pants*

VAMPIRE BILL Fuck, if they’re paparazzi…

JESSICA HAMBY Oh no! If they’re paparazzi… We’ll be on the cover of the gossip rags for sure!

JESSICA HAMBY I can see the headlines now. “Hot HBO Vamp Caught Sucking on CoStar!” *groans*

VAMPIRE BILL I don’t see any cameras… What asshole is dumb enough to sneak onto a set and break into my trailer?

VAMPIRE BILL That was a rhetorical question, wasn’t it?

VAMPIRE BILL @EricNorthman Get the hell out of my trailer!

ERIC NORTHMAN VampireBill You’re not me. Who the hell are you supposed to be?

ERIC NORTHMAN . . . . . . . *laughs*

ERIC NORTHMAN @VampireBill Oh! Oh, are you COMPTON? *laughs harder*

VAMPIRE BILL Oh no. It can’t be… No. Alan swore we’d be safe! What the fuck do I do now?

VAMPIRE BILL @JessicaHamby Anna, get behind me

JESSICA HAMBY Oh, I know who these two are. . . *smiles in spite of everything*

JESSICA HAMBY @VampireBill It’s okay, Steve. I think

JESSICA HAMBY He shouldn’t be here. He’s breaking the agreement. But he is kinda hot-looking. Alex better watch out.

VAMPIRE BILL @EricNorthman I’m calling security.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VampireBill *grabs the phone and throws it against the wall*

ERIC NORTHMAN @JessicaHamby *stops you in mid-scream with one glare*

ERIC NORTHMAN @VampireBill Not even the real Compton is dumb enough to stand up to me.

VAMPIRE BILL *blank stare* Can’t move. Is this what the Ghostwriter meant about not

JESSICA HAMBY *blank stare* Whoa. I’d freeze even if he didn’t glamour me. He’s just scary! He’s worse than the TrueBlood fangirls!

VAMPIRE BILL lookin’ them in the eye?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Stop it, Eric! You unglamor them right now!

ERIC NORTHMAN Who does she think she's talking to?

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Don’t worry, lover. I’m not going to hurt them. It’s obvious that I merely tracked down the wrong European.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps What do you think of Bill Compton?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Starin at the actors.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman I guess he looks a little like Bill. Is she supposed to be me? *points @JessicaHamby*

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps That would be my guess, lover. It looks like they are reading the wrong book.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman She doesn’t look anything like me.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps I would agree. You have much nicer breasts.

JESSICA HAMBY *still glamoured* I’m asking for a raise.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Okay, that’s enough. Unglamor them and let’s get out of here.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Agreed.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VampireBill @JessicaHamby A wild pig broke into your trailer and stomped on your cell phone. . .

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman A wild pig?

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps You have a better idea?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Uh-oh. He would ask me that. . .

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Ummmm. . . it got broken coz it rang at the wrong time?

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps How would you explain the broken front door?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman It’s a trailer. A stiff wind could have broken it.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Fair enough.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VampireBill @JessicaHamby You came back to your trailer to find the door lock already broken.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VampireBill @JessicaHamby You threw your phone against the wall because it rang while you were having sex.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Good enough, lover?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman I guess.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS She’s so skinny. I mean, I’m an 8. What’s she? A ?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Followin @EricNorthman outta the trailer.

ERIC NORTHMAN *stops and turns*

ERIC NORTHMAN @VampireBill Oh, and you like to play Lego Batman on your Wii, and you enjoy Russian hip-hop music.

JESSICA HAMBY *still glamoured* Lego BATMAN!?

VAMPIRE BILL *still glamoured* RUSSIAN Hip-hop!??

VAMPIRE BILL I'm asking for a raise.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Bill doesn’t like hip-hop music!

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps I know. *laughs and leads you away from the trailer*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman What was that for then? *confused*

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps They had him playing golf and listening to Cambodian music in season one.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Wait a minute. . .

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman I thought you told me you’ve never watched the show!

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps I haven’t. I read the spoilers on the online message boards.

ERIC NORTHMAN Smelling the wind again... Aha. Scandinavian even. Gotcha.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Come, lover. This way.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS *drags feet*

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *picks you up*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Eric, no! We have to get out of here. You’ve already broken into one trailer and scared the actors! *worried*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman I’ve had enough!

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Oh, you haven’t had nearly enough, lover, and you know it.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps In fact, half of your problem tonight is that you haven’t had any yet. *waggles eyebrows*

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps But don’t worry, lover. I’ll take care of you many times before the night is over.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Lookin forward to that. Still doesn’t make this okay.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman I swear to you, if you don’t take me out of here right now, I’m not going to have sex with you.

ERIC NORTHMAN She doesn’t mean it. *opens another trailer door*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman For a….. *follows you in and sees the man* ….whole week.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Holy SMOKES!

ERIC NORTHMAN Now this is more like it. *grins*

SHEIROQ Vad är det här för människor, egentligen? (Who are these people?)

ERIC NORTHMAN Not bad. Not bad at all. He’s nowhere near as good looking as I, but. . .

SHEIROQ @SookieBonTemps @EricNorthman Who are you? What do you want?

ERIC NORTHMAN @SheiroQ We’re here to help you.

SHEIROQ Vem fan är den här killen? (Who the hell is this guy?)

SHEIROQ @EricNorthman You shouldn’t be in here.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SheiroQ Oh, I go where I want. Right, Sookie?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Staring at the actor. He’s so. . .wow.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Sookie? *waves a hand in front of your face*

ERIC NORTHMAN Hello, your vampire blood-bonded is right here.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Huh? Did you say something?

ERIC NORTHMAN *growls and steps closer to Sookie*

SHEIROQ Looking at the woman. Snygga bröst. (Nice boobs)

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @SheiroQ I dunno what you’re thinkin, mister, but I bet it’s fresh. *frowns*

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Can’t you read his mind?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman No, I can’t. He’s thinking in Swedish.

ERIC NORTHMAN Hmmm. He smells human, but if Sookie can’t hear his thoughts. . .

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @SheiroQ Hey, you’re in America, buddy! Think in English!

SHEIROQ Typiskt Amerikaner. (Typical American)

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman I’m gonna slug him.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps I wouldn’t do that. He has fangirls.

SHEIROQ @SookieBonTemps @EricNorthman I think you should leave before I call security.

SHEIROQ Typiskt att detta ska hända just mig att en idiot och hans flickvän skulle storma in här i min trailer.

SHEIROQ (Just my luck some idiot brings his girlfriend here and busts into my trailer)

ERIC NORTHMAN @SheiroQ Now, now. That wouldn’t be a smart thing to do. You really want to talk to me.

SHEIROQ @EricNorthman Why would I want to do that?

SHEIROQ Han ser ut som en statist i en Johnny Depp-film. (He looks like an extra out of a Johnny Depp film)

ERIC NORTHMAN @SheiroQ *bares fangs* Because if you’re going to play me, you’d best do right by me.

SHEIROQ Åh, fy fan! (Shit!)

SHEIROQ @EricNorthman What the hell are you?

SHEIROQ Nu dör jag. (I’m going to die) *sits*

ERIC NORTHMAN @SheiroQ Why don’t you sit down and we’ll have a chat, hmm? *glamors a little*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Oh, hell. . .

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Don’t you hurt him.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps I’m not going to hurt him. If I did, they’d have to find someone to replace him, and I’d have to train a new one.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SheiroQ Now. A few pointers. Walk into a room like you own it, because chances are you do.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SheiroQ Treat everyone as if they owe you, because chances are they do.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SheiroQ Treat all shifters and Weres as if they are beneath you, because they are.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SheiroQ Treat all humans, with a few exceptions, like blood bags, but treat Sookie like a queen. Got it?

SHEIROQ Jag tänker be om löneförökning. (I’m asking for a raise)

SHEIROQ @EricNorthman Got it.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SheiroQ Good. Now what else? Oh, yes. If you wear pink Lycra, wear it well. Understood?

SHEIROQ @EricNorthman Perfectly.

SHEIROQ Jag säger vad som helst, bara du går härifrån. (I’ll tell you anything you want if it will make you go away)

ERIC NORTHMAN @SheiroQ Good. We understand each other, then.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SheiroQ *bares fangs again* You’re going to be bearing my name on cable television. Don’t fuck it up.

SHEIROQ Far åt Helvete. (Fuck off)

SHEIROQ @EricNorthman I won’t.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SheiroQ *grins* Good. Very good.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Shall we go, lover?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Imaginin both of these fellas dressed in pink Lycra. They could be big pink and blonde bookends. *giggles*

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Sookie?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Huh? Oh! Yeah, can we go now?

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Of course.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @SheiroQ *waves* Bye. Pleasure to meet you.

SHEIROQ @SookieBonTemps *waves back and tries to smile* Bye.

SHEIROQ Gå härifrån innan jag ringer polisen. (Just get out of here before I call the police)

ERIC NORTHMAN @SheiroQ We will see you again.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Lookin up at the Viking as we leave. The actor has nothin on him.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman So, can we go home now?

ERIC NORTHMAN *sniffs the air*

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Just a little longer, lover. There’s one more person I want to see.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman No. No, Eric. We saw the guy who plays you, and he’s an okay guy. . .

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps An okay guy? You were practically drooling all over him.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Uh oh. Busted.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman I—I was not. *blushes*

ERIC NORTHMAN Nice try, lover.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Sookie, Sookie. My bullshit meter is reading that as false.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Well, so what if I found him attractive? Are you jealous?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS When in doubt, go on the offensive.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps If I was, I wouldn’t have left him in one piece.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS I so did not need to know that.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Come, lover. This way. *picks you up*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman You are in so much trouble! Someone is gonna see us. I want to go home right now!

SOOKIEBONTEMPS I’d have better luck talking to the dead. The really dead, not the reanimated undead.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps We'll go soon, my lover.

ERIC NORTHMAN Searching. I've had centuries of practice. . . .

ERIC NORTHMAN Though I’m not usually hindered by a human woman who is not going to be happy about what I’m doing.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS He’s huntin. He’s got that really intense look on his face. Damn. What do I do?

ERIC NORTHMAN There he is. Alan Ball. *runs toward him at full vampire speed*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Whoa!

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Eric!

VICTOR MADDEN @EricNorthman @SookieBonTemps What the hell? Who are you? What do you want?

VICTOR MADDEN What the fuck is going on?

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden Oh, I think you know exactly who we are and what we want, little man. {{{anger}}}

SOOKIEBONTEMPS He’s spittin mad about something.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Eric, what’s goin on? Who is this guy?

VICTOR MADDEN Eric?! That can't be. . . We were assured that the vampires had signed a non-interfereence agreement!

VICTOR MADDEN @EricNorthman You shouldn't be here. You promised not to interfere!

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden *wraps a hand around your throat* And you made a few promises yourself in order to secure that non-interference.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden And Alan, DARLING, you haven’t kept your word. Tsk, tsk, tsk. You really ought to know better.

VICTOR MADDEN They warned me about this one. I should have listened.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman You let him go right now!

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Readin the other man’s thoughts. He ain’t so innocent himself.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @VictorMadden And you! What did you do? Were you dumb enough to break a deal with a vampire?

VICTOR MADDEN Is that the real Sookie? Nice boobs.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Hearin his thoughts. Men. *shakes head*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @VictorMadden You got a vampire holdin you by the throat and all you can think about is my boobs? Are you nuts?

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden *growls and squeezes your neck tighter* Are you thinking bad things about my lover? Be more respectful.

VICTOR MADDEN Will he really kill me?

VICTOR MADDEN @EricNorthman Are you going to kill me?

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden I won’t kill you, but I can make you wish I would.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @VictorMadden You better start explainin yourself, mister, otherwise he’s gonna leave scars

SOOKIEBONTEMPS What is it with people thinkin they can make deals with vamps and then break em?

VICTOR MADDEN @EricNorthman @SookieBonTemps I have creative license.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden That you do, and I can’t say that I’m unhappy about some of the changes you’ve made.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden Saddling Bill with an annoying newborn vampire sounds amusing enough to get me to watch your little production.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden But I have heard and seen some other things that make me mightily displeased.

ERIC NORTHMAN Mightily, MIGHTILY displeased.

VictorMadden Damn spoilers!

VICTOR MADDEN @EricNorthman Ah, you can’t trust anything leaked out of the PR department.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @VictorMadden What did you do?

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden I believe what I see, and as YOU can see, I have long hair.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Jesus Christ, Shepherd of Judea.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @VictorMadden You cut his hair?

VICTOR MADDEN @SookieBonTemps There were complaints about the wig!

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @VictorMadden YOU CUT HIS HAIR?! *shocked*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS You cut a Viking’s hair? No wonder Eric’s pissed at you!

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden I don’t give a fuck about the damn wig. Any mortal playing me will have long hair. Understood?

VICTOR MADDEN @EricNorthman Understood.

VICTOR MADDEN When in doubt, just agree, then do your own thing. Easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Heard his thoughts.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @VictorMadden That ain’t gonna work, mister. Vamps ain’t the forgivin kind.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS I can’t believe they cut Eric’s hair.

VICTOR MADDEN @SookieBonTemps Okay. Northman has long hair. What else?

ERIC NORTHMAN He's giving up. Good. Very good.

ERIC NORTHMAN Not that I wouldn’t have tortured him, but it probably would have ruined my chances to have sex with Sookie.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden I’m never an asshole to my customers without good cause. It’s bad for business.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden I enthrall the vermin, not insult them.

VICTOR MADDEN @EricNorthman But the fans love it when you’re a bad-ass!

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden Bad-ass, yes. Degrading prick, no. They call me the Viking Douche!

SOOKIEBONTEMPS The Viking Douche? *tries to hold in a giggle*

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps It’s not funny. Do you know what a douche is?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Do I know. . . ?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Yes, Eric, I know what a douche is. And you are definitely not one.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Nothin worse than a vampire’s wounded pride.

VICTOR MADDEN @EricNorthman It’s a term of endearment.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden Endearment? I think not.

VICTOR MADDEN @EricNorthman Okay, okay, I’ll tell the writers to make you nicer.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden Oh, for fuck’s sake, don’t make me NICER. Just make me not a prick.

VICTOR MADDEN @EricNorthman Not a prick. Right.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman You, nicer. *giggles*

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps I can be nice. *waggles eyebrows*

ERIC NORTHMAN I can be very nice. I plan to be very nice to her shortly. {{{lust}}}

SOOKIEBONTEMPS I am in so much trouble. Mmmm.

ERIC NORTHMAN Back to business. Unfortunately.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden And give me some fight scenes. Make sure that Swede you have playing me can use a sword.

VICTOR MADDEN @EricNorthman Fight scenes. Sword. Okay, what else?

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden The pink Lycra for the orgy is a must, and you WILL film the shower scene from the fourth book in season 4.

VICTOR MADDEN @EricNorthman If there’s a fourth season. . .

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden There will be a fourth season. Trust me.

VICTOR MADDEN @EricNorthman Okay. Lycra for the orgy, and the shower scene in season 4. Anything else?

VICTOR MADDEN High and mighty, arrogant asshole.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @VictorMadden Hey, watch your language, buster.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden *grins* Just one more thing that you need to remember: I get the girl.

VICTOR MADDEN So this is what being glamoured feels like. *__*

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden In a moment I will let you go, and you will stagger back to your little film set.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden You won’t remember our visit, but you will remember the finer points of our conversation.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden If you are questioned, you'll say you went into the woods to piss, got scared by a Louisiana mosquito, and ran into a tree.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden You hit your head, but you’re fine now.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Louisiana mosquito?

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps They’re very big and scary. The terror of the swamps.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Uh huh. And they have blond hair and two legs as well.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Of course. They’re incredibly handsome and irresistible, too. *smolders*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Don’t forget irritatingly full of themselves. *rolls eyes. . .just a little*

ERIC NORTHMAN *preens*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman You wanna let that guy go so we can get out of here?

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Oh yes, of course.

ERIC NORTHMAN @VictorMadden You may go. *releases Alan Ball*

VICTOR MADDEN *falls and hits head on tree trunk*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Ouch. Is he gonna be okay?

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps He'll be fine.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Now, my lover, shall we go over to that set and give them a demonstration on proper vampire-human relations?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman *puts a hand on your chest* How about you take me home, and we’ll act out a few scenes in private.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *kisses* I like that idea. I think we should also rehearse our lines as well.

ERIC NORTHMAN We could rehearse in the Corvette. . .

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Just get me to the car and get us home.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Before I abandon my “no sex in the Corvette” rule.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *kisses you again, picks you up, and flies to the car*

ERIC NORTHMAN If only she'd break her "no sex in the car" rule.

ERIC NORTHMAN *Racing back to the house* Have to get us back fast. Very fast.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS He’s drivin real, real fast. Good.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS *twenty minutes later* He just did 45 miles in 20 minutes. Not bad.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *kisses you and unhooks your seatbelt, pulls you from the car, carries you inside*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Holy smokes. Not gonna make it to the bedroom. The couch will do.

ERIC NORTHMAN Trying to remove her clothes fast without ripping them.

ERIC NORTHMAN . . . . . . . . . Oh well. Bras are cheap.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Sookie. . .

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Love it when he says my name that way.

ERIC NORTHMAN *hands and mouth wander*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Tuggin at his shirt. Tryin to get it off.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Success!

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps My lover. . .

SOOKIEBONTEMPS The chest is nice. Now for the jeans.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Gracious plenty? Yeah.

ERIC NORTHMAN Holy fuck.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Eric, please. . .

ERIC NORTHMAN Busy.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS *cut to 30 minutes later*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS He looks far too proud of himself.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Plenty of reason, but still.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman You ARE a prick, you know. *laughs*

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *grins* No, I HAVE a prick, and I know how to use it.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman I’ll say.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *picks you up and carries you to the bedroom*

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Well, you do have firsthand knowledge of my considerable prowess.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Good thing I have that Word-of-the-Day calendar, or I’d have no idea what he just said.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS He’s carryin me like Rhett carried Scarlett. Except Scarlett wasn’t naked. Neither was Rhett.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *lays you down on the bed and smiles*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman What are you smilin at?

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps You, in my bed. You’re perfect in it. Especially as you are now.

ERIC NORTHMAN She really is incredible. A feast.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman It’s not perfect if you’re not in here with me. *pats the mattress*

ERIC NORTHMAN *fangs run out* She always knows exactly what to say to make me feel like the luckiest vampire in the world.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *joins you and gathers you in arms* Perfect now?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS He’s cool, but he has a warm heart. *traces the outline of his chest with my fingertip*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman *snuggles against you* Yeah.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Good.

ERIC NORTHMAN Running my fingers through her hair. She’s right. It’s perfection being with her like this.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman You know, I am mad at you.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Oh, you are?

ERIC NORTHMAN What did I do now?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Yeah. I know it’s hard to tell, but I’m still mad about you crashin that film set and scarin those actors and stuff.

ERIC NORTHMAN Oh, that.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Would it help if I said I was sorry?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman *laughs* I wouldn’t want you to violate your principles by lyin.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Fair enough. So. . . will you punish me, then?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS That has possibilities.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman I dunno. I’m sure I can think up something. . . appropriate.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Like what?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Maybe I’ll tie you up and make you watch really bad monster movies.

ERIC NORTHMAN Wish she'd tie me up and do something else. . . .

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Bad monster movies? Where on earth did you get that idea?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman *giggles* I’m sure I saw it on TV somewhere.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Should I be worried about all of this?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman All what?

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps Well, you already want life to imitate “Gone with the Wind.” Now you want it to imitate TV, too?

ERIC NORTHMAN Rubbing her back absently. Her skin is so soft.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Mmmm, I love when he rubs my back that way. What was he sayin?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Not gonna happen.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps No?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman No. *shakes head*

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps How do you know?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman 'Cause life’s better than television.

ERIC NORTHMAN *smolders*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Sweet Jesus, when he looks like that. . .

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps You really think so?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Mmmhmmm. And you’re way better looking than that Swedish guy.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *grins with fangs showing* I’m so glad you think so.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Me too.

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *hovers over you hungrily* Shall I show you another reason why life is better than television?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman Oh, why’s that?

SOOKIEBONTEMPS My heart’s just a-racin here. How does he do this to me?

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps You can’t fuck a TV screen. *licks lips*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS @EricNorthman HOLY SMOKES!

ERIC NORTHMAN @SookieBonTemps *grins and kisses you good*

ERIC NORTHMAN Oh, yes. Life's way better than television.

ERIC NORTHMAN *grins* Indeed.

SOOKIEBONTEMPS *TWITTERSHADE FALLS*

ERIC NORTHMAN *joins the cast to take a bow*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS *curtsy*

JESSICA HAMBY *TAKES A BOW*

VAMPIRE BILL *bows humbly*

SHEIROQ *Takes a bow*

SOOKIEBONTEMPS Thanks to y'all for tunin' in. Special thanks again to @Isilwath for writing a lovely story, @EricsTXGal who won the Support Stacie Auction

VICTOR MADDEN *bows and grins*

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