| TOP TIPS FOR A FIT AND SELF-CONFIDENT LIFE AS A VAMPIRE
Before you commit to a twilight existence, check out these tips all seasoned vampires should know. |
| | | 1. Avoid feeding on Americans, which are high in carbs. | | 2. Because you are immortal, invest in bonds. | 3. If you're trying to "mainstream," Tru Blood definitely helps, but unfortunately it's not near as tasty as the real thing.
| 4. Remember what your parents told you: you're not invincible and you're not omniscient. Embody conservativism.
| 5. Do not underestimate the benefits of self tanning lotions.
| 6. If feeding on humans, China town is a great U.S. hot spot. Asians are high fiber and low cal.
| 7. Sometimes the best place to hide is in plain site. Vamp it up and everyone will assume you're just a normal human with fang envy.
| 8. It's okay to have an interest in married people. 50% of marriages end in divorce, the other 50% in death, and you'll be around after either.
| 9. Fat chicks, like myself, will draw you more vampire friends and with all the blood you can throw one BIG party. But dont forget all in moderation.
| 10. Watch out for Latinos: they tend to be HOT!!! But if you're into spicy, go for it.
| | 11. Never drink from a dead body, because death may take you down with it. | | 12. Immortality is no excuse for not flossing. | 13. Just tell humans that you are a Vegan when they ask you why you're so pale.
| 14. Holiday in Dallas, they have vampire friendly hotels where you can live in sync witt human time, they even have a live food room service.
| 15. Make sure your human companions have been tested for Hep D.
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| TOP TIPS FOR ATTRACTING VAMPIRES
Love bites. Read up on how to snag a vampire lover. |
| | 1. Wear something tight and black! Don't forget to show off your biggest asset -- your neck!
| 2. Personality, personality, personality. Even if beauty doesn't fade, your wit will last longer than your looks.
| 3. Being a night owl doesn't hurt. The artistic, sensual, eccentric personality is helpful.
| 4. Go where the action is: hang out at Fangtasia, Dracula's Ball, or your local Red Cross blood bank.
| 5. Take a tip from top chefs: flavor may be paramount, but presentation counts for a lot as well.
| | 6. Don't dab perfume on your neck. No matter how nice it smells, it tastes horrid. | 7. Show them that you have an ability that they do not. Especially one that may be very beneficial to them.
| 8. If the "fangbanger" look is not working for you, try the "girl next door" look. Usually they prefer one end of the spectrum or the other. Anything in between is nothing more than a one night bite.
| 9. Hang out with Gothic people. They tend to draw attention to vampires because they understand.
| 10. Always make your neck available.
| 11. Take vitamins, especially B-12, daily.
| 12. Avoid Garlic.
| 13. Make sure you put on nice jewelry, but wearing silver is just tacky.
| 14. Go to Dallas and stay in Vampire Hotels.
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| TIPS FOR BUILDING YOUR OWN VAMPIRE NEST
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| | 1. Shutter all the doors and windows.
| 2. Build traps to catch the milkman, mailman, UPS guy, electrician, plumber, etc.
| 3. Bury coffins in the floor boards. Must sleep soundly.
| 4. Don't forget the latest technology in security. Not all your enemies are night-bound like you.
| 5. Hire a good security firm to watch while you sleep.
| 6. Subterfuge and confusion are your friends. Hire look-alikes to carry out your "daily" errands.
| 7. Head for the city, where people will think you're just a normal person with a night job.
| 8. A good watchdog can be just as effective as an alarm system.
| 9. Velvet is beautiful but stains easily. Vinyl and plastic may be tacky, but they wipe clean in a snap.
| 10. Do a background check on all bloodbags you bring into the nest; bringing in a traitor is severely frowned upon.
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| TOP TIPS FOR HANGING OUT WITH VAMPS WITHOUT GOING DRY | 1. Get religion. And carry it with you.
| 2. Love to write. #2 pencils are effective deterrents in a crisis.
| 3. Martial arts were made for your self defense against people going after your neck. Learn some.
| | 4. BYOB: Bring your own Tru-Blood. It'll make you the "life" of the party. | 5. Buddy system: never go alone, and "with a vampire" counts as alone.
| 6. Make friends with the vampire that the other vampires hate/fear/despise/adore. It makes you an asset to everyone in the room.
| 7. Have something else to offer the group besides your life juice. Chocolate, for instance.
| 8. Wear turtlenecks as much as possible.
| 9. Surely you know someone who wants to be bitten? Bring them with you and everyone will be happy.
| 10. Make sure you can run faster than at least one other living person in your group.
| 11. Eat plenty of garlic, any flavor annoyance to them is helpful in keeping your blood in you.
| 12. If you happen to have a little "quirk," do not, I repeat, DO NOT make them aware that you get snippets from their brains sometimes.
| 13. Cling to the most familiar vampire in the area and exclaim loudly, "I AM HIS!"
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TOP TIPS FOR FINDING VAMPIRES
| 1. Follow the supply chain. Wherever the Tru Blood delivery truck stops is a spot that will eventually attract vampires.
| 2. Go where they go. Find your way to Fangtasia or Dracula's Ball.
| 3. Set 'em up. Pose online as a financially-troubled blood bank seeking generous donors to help stay afloat and see who comes calling.
| 4. Follow the dollar. Ask your hair dresser, dentist, etc. If they have any "special" customers who only come in after dark.
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