Submitted by: Kevin
With all the Twilight backlash from fans of vampires that don’t sparkle in the sun and fall madly in love with emo high school girls, it’s easy to forget that vampire movies have been sucking it up on the silver screen for quite some time. For every rare gem like Let the Right One In, there’s about a dozen uninspired borefests that fail to provide anything we haven’t already seen a hundred times before. Fortunately, there are still plenty of films able to break free from the curse of being just another mediocre vampire movie. Unfortunately, some of them end up tumbling out on the wrong side of the equation and distinguishing themselves not by being good, but by being the worst of the worst. These are the movies that mark the absolute bottom of the barrel when it comes to vampire flicks, and although each one is terrible in its own unique way, there’s no denying these 10 titles represent the pinnacle of suck.
10) Vampire in Brooklyn
Eddie Murphy and Wes Craven have both been associated with some pretty remarkable films. Unfortunately, this is not one of them. Landing awkwardly between horror and comedy, Vampire in Brooklyn is way too crappy to be scary, but not nearly funny enough to count as anything more than a failed attempt at genre bending. Add to the mix the fact that in addition to the title role, Murphy plays characters named Guido and Preacher Pauly, and you can pretty much chart the exact moment where Eddie Murphy went from being a respectable comedian to a self-absorbed one man show.
|  | 9) Against the Dark
Straight from the Steven Seagal direct to video era comes this vampire hunter action flick in which everyone’s favorite 6 foot 4, pony-tailed martial arts expert must fend off swarms of infected vampire zombie hybrids. Thankfully, Seagal seems determined not to let his recent weight gain get in the way of kicking ass and taking names, so audiences are treated to some first rate sword wielding from the puffy, past his prime action star. Unlike Vampire in Brooklyn, this film delivers some decent laughs. It’s just too bad none of them appear to be intentional. |  | 8) Queen of the Damned
Much like Raul Julia in Street Fighter, Aaliyah must have been kicking herself in the afterlife for allowing this to be her final role. However, unlike Raul Julia, you don’t really get the impression you’re watching a true thespian slumming their way through a crappy movie, in Queen of the Damned you’re just watching a pop star try to act. While the film is far from being an outright failure, when compared with both the source material and the far superior Interview with a Vampire, it results in one of the most disappointingly underwhelming vampire films in recent memory. |  | 7) Immortally Yours
This film would easily be just another forgettable vampire movie on par with what you’d expect from something on the SciFi (I mean SyFy) channel, if it wasn’t for the remarkably awful performance of the female lead. Having also written the screenplay, it’s hard not to imagine Katherine Hawkes insisting on casting herself as the protagonist as part of a “package deal” if producers wanted to film her mind-boggling script that combines vampires, illuminati, and an ending so bafflingly strange it will leave you wondering if you just caught the last 30 seconds of a totally different movie. The film’s one saving grace is an appearance by Cobra Kei sensei Martin Kove, although all that does is highlight how much this film could have benefited from more leg sweeps and knuckle bleeding. |  | 6) Dracula 2000 / Dracula 3000
Before he was kicking messengers into wells as King Leonidas, Gerard Butler was playing Dracula in a modern day take on the classic Bram Stoker tale. Although the first entry in the Dracula 2000 / 3000 combo is hardly unbearable, the second one suffers from the inexplicable (and shockingly common) horror franchise trend of setting the story in space. Perhaps because Dracula 2000 didn’t have enough in common with Leprechaun 4, or maybe just because it provided a chance to work with Coolio, someone decided it was a good idea to make Dracula 3000. Sitting on the couch watching Coolio spew dialogue like “I want to watch my anaconda spit all over your snow white ass” really makes you take a long hard look at the choices that led you to this low point in your life. Fortunately, the DVD player comes with a stop button for a reason. |  | 5) Decadent Evil
At just under 70 minutes long it can hardly be considered a movie. Nevertheless, Decadent Evil manages to pack everything you’d expect from a grade-Z vampire movie into its barely decipherable plot. Topless vampire vixens, check. Quest for immortality, check. Mandatory night club setting, check. Even adding a midget, a demonic doll, and a strange half human, half reptile thing into the mix isn’t enough to save this from being a complete mess of a film…which is disappointing, since one would typically expect quite a lot from the director of the Gary Busey classic The Gingerdead Man.
Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXuVSq6FFsc&feature=related |  | 4) BloodRayne / BloodRayne 2
No film-related “worst of” list is complete without an offering from Uwe Boll, and BloodRayne is the film awful enough to help this list hit its Boll quota. Despite having Academy Award Winner Ben Kingsley and a cast of actors most people have actually heard of, BloodRayne manages to deliver exactly what you’d expect from the man who also brought you House of the Dead. Despite being an embarrassing entry in the vampire genre the first go around, the ante was upped with a direct to video sequel (also by Boll), this time unencumbered by noteworthy actors or marginally passable special effects. If BloodRayne was the turd sundae, BloodRayne 2 was the larger second helping that no one actually asked for. |  |
3) Blacula
As far as exploitation films go, the title alone makes this movie an instant classic. However, as vampire movies go, “Dracula’s soul brother” fails to live up to expectations. Before lambasting the inclusion of what is easily a “cult classic” on the list of worst vampire movies ever, ask yourself whether you’ve actually tried to sit through this horribly dated mash up of 70s horror and exploitation at any point in the past few years. If the answer is no, why don’t you take another look at this cheesy, dull, and marginally offensive piece of cinema and see if it holds up quite as well as you remember it. Hint: it doesn’t. |  | 2) An American Vampire Story (aka American Vampire)
When Adam West is playing a character named The Big Kahuna, there is absolutely no excuse for making anything less than a masterpiece. And although American Vampire falls considerably short of masterpiece status, it could definitely be placed in the “so bad it’s good” category of filmmaking. With lines like, “Don't get your skivvies caught in your crack,” and “Holy wipe out,” West reminds everyone that he’s the king of cheese-tastic dialogue. It might not be high art, but unlike many of the other entries on this list, at least it’s way too awful to be considered boring. |  | 1) Vampire Dentist
The title alone sets this one up for a top slot. Although you’ve probably never heard of it, in a perfect world you’d already have a 2-disc special edition of this sitting on top of your DVD player right now. Not only is it easily the worst vampire movie of all time, you could make a strong case for it being the best movie about a vampire who is also a dentist. The trailer’s awkwardly paced voiceover work alone (Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qODLc9DO2o) is enough to inspire some serious laughter, but when coupled with the $2 Halloween makeup effects and character names like Dr. Moe Lars, this is the vampire film Ed Wood could have easily made if he were still alive today. |  |
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