These are my collected True Blood jokes, the first several of which I wrote in response to Isah1’s thread: “‘Puns were the highest form of humor’…bad jokes based on True Blood.” Since I’ve made seven posts to the thread and received only one response, I thought my jokes might fit a bit better in the Fan Fiction section of the site, which is dedicated to True Blood fans’ creative responses to the show. Thank you, Isah1, for the inspiration! Although my jokes are so awful, I’m not sure anyone who reads them would thank you for getting me started. For more of the collected True Blood works of Aurora Leigh, see my poetry page.
Dec. 1 2008 7:30 PM PST
What’s Bill’s favorite Madonna song?
“Burning Up.”
What’s Tara up to?
Living high on the hog.
What happened to Rene in the cemetery?
He really lost his head.
What’s Sam’s expression these days?
Hangdog.
“I think she’s retarded.” — Denise Rattray
Nov. 17 2008 6:45 PM PST
Horrible and depressing non-jokes in response to a hideously distressing episode. Oh, Tara! Oh, Bill! Oh, Jason! Damn you, Sookie! Damn you, Sam! Damn you, Lettie Mae! Damn you most of all, Rene!
Why does Rene strangle women who sleep with vampires?
He doesn’t like to share his cheres.
Why does Sookie give up on Bill after only two nights?
She’s looking for a body to cover the day shift and the night shift.
Why is Bill a failure as a maker?
His bark is not as sharp as his bite.
What do Bill and Lettie Mae have in common?
Their parenting skills turn young women into monsters.
How did Rene help Amy with his belt?
He completed her circle with precision symmetry.
"How's your Fresca?" — Bill Compton
Nov. 13 2008 6:03 PM PST
The Horror! The Horror!
What fabric softener does Sam use to keep his sheets smelling just how he likes them?
Dawny.
What song recalls Bill and Sookie’s bittersweet cemetery reunion?
“Fangs for the Mammaries.”
What does Lettie Mae do now when she’s craving demon juice?
She gets Crone-Stoned.
How does Eric greet his new vampire cohort?
"Ciao!"
“Don’t you try to glimmer me!” — Jason Stackhouse
(Author’s note: these jokes and a True Blood limerick were composed this morning between 3:30 and 5 a.m. as I walked my dog, showered, dressed, and drove to work. Since then I have graded undergraduate papers, taught two classes, attended lecture, and worked as a copy editor for six hours. My brain just wanders to TB when I’m not diligent. It’s the demon.)
Nov. 12 2008 5:30 PM PST
What indecent act gets Bill into trouble at the tribunal?
Magister-baiting in public.
“First, I get hauled in by the cops. Then, I gotta let a DUDE drain my Johnson. That’s a fuck of a day.” — Jason Stackhouse
Nov. 11 2008 5:30 PM PST
The demon is gnawing at me something awful today. It's not me, it's the demon.
How does Tara relax after a rough night at work?
With a nice stiff after-shifter.
How does Sam recover after a wild night?
With a little hair-of-the-dog.
How’s Jessica right about now?
Totally sucked.
How does Jessica characterize being surrounded by vampires?
"They suck."
“Coffee. Sounds delightful.” — Bill Compton
Nov. 9 2008 6:20 PM EST
I have journeyed into the heart of darkness and discovered more bad jokes.
How did Jason develop a blister?
Keeping his bone to the grindstone. –or–
Working too hard on his hard-on. –or–
Working his bone to the bone.
He had a friction addiction
What kind of blood doesn’t agree with Eddie?
Organic vegan psychopath.
Why did Jason attack Rene?
He thought he was drillin’ like a villain.
“There may be snow on the mountaintop, but there is FIRE in the valley!” — Lettie Mae
Nov 4 2008, 9:28 PM EST
These bad jokes come from a place of deep despair and anxiety as I await the results of the presidential election and the vampire tribunal...
What kind of pear turns Sookie's stomach?
Bartlett.
What sweet treat fails to whet Pam's appetite?
Ginger's snatch.
What do Sam and Maudette Pickens have in common?
They both like it ruff.
-or-
they both like it doggie style
"I like kids, Arlene — doughnuts, too." —Terry Bellefleur
Nov 1 2008, 7:26 PM EDT
The Demon told me I should continue to spend precious time and intellectual energy coming up with bad jokes inspired by True Blood. It's a jealous demon.
What do you get when you drink too much sangria at the Halloween party?
A nasty fangover.
What do you get when you cross Anna Paquin's character with a jar of Skippy?
Peanut-butter Sookie.
"I like your voice...and your clavicles." — Terry Bellefleur
Oct 30 2008, 9:39 PM EDT
Here's a little something that came to me as I was sipping my morning coffin...
What was vampire Liam doing after feeding on the clerk from the Grab-It-Quick?
Picken Maudette out of his fangs.
What's Diane's favorite B-52s song?
"Blood Sac."
Blood Sac Bayyy-Beeee...
Oct 29 2008, 8:49 AM EDT
Welcome to Wednesday morning at the Vamprov!
What did the idiot cannibal say to the poisonous sociopath?
I wanna lick your mind.
What did the redneck vampire call the unhygienic HIV-positive fangbanger?
AIDS-burger with cheese.
Why do Tara and Lettie Mae walk through the woods at night?
Exorcise.
Tip your waitress.
Oct 28 2008, 9:24 PM EDT
More awful jokes. I could be part vampire.
What do you call a blood-sucking monkey?
A vimp.
Is that an acute case of priapism in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
What's Buffy's favorite meal?
Stake.
Take my human, please!
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Ivana
Ivana who?
Ivana suck your blood.
Tip your waitress.
Oct 27 2008, 3:27 PM EDT
Warning: These are truly awful.
What do you call a freshly unearthed civil-war hero passionately reunited with his young lover?
Muddy-fucking-bloodsucker.
What do you call his girlfriend?
Mud-covered-bloodsuckerfucker -or-
Bon Temps Cemetery midnight sex buffet.
Voiceover for steamy cemetery sex scene:
Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling? Try cemetery's eve swamp-rot removal cream in sunlight scent and you'll have him back in the mud in no time...
Disclaimer: I was very affected by cemetery sex scene, which is perhaps why I'm writing jokes about it instead of doing my work! Great thread, thanks! | |  Leave a review or comment on my story by clicking "Start Thread" below. | |
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